Urban Outfitters: Why I hate to love you so much!

It's no secret that Urban Outfitters is the quintessential watering hole for pretentious hipsters, but why is it that regardless of knowing their high end prices, ridiculous novelties and overpriced items, we still love to shop here? There is no wrong or right answer, but what I do know  is that they must be doing something right. With over 400 locations around the globe, it's the biggest retail brand in the world. Could it be their customers inferiority complex and need to have everything mustache and cat related what's making them shop compulsively here? hence their massive amount of sales and popularity. Though quite original and "hip" to say the least, UO has been making people want to be cooler than everybody else since the early 70's. Regardless of having some pretty cool shit, beautiful and unique clothes and being able to relate to their shoppers in an "emotional level" as they describe, some of their items are so ridiculous that only a 20 year old with millions of dollars in their bank account would buy them (which I doubt there are many out there). So I took the time to go to my local Urban store and browsed around for a bit in order to prove my point. Though tempted to buy everything and lured by their items like a sirens song and flirt with every guy that I saw (which I do every time I go there) I did not as I am trying this new thing called being a responsible adult. Here are some Items I found at the hipster mecca that like everything else this "Expensive thrift store" as I like too call it, has to offer is overpriced yet charming.

ITEM #1

$18.00

Do you really think Think I need a FLASK that says "fuck my liver" ? Think about it, Im 21 years old, I get shitfaced on a regular basis, I don't need to carry alcohol with me when I am drunk 75% of the time, I even wake up drunk from so many shots on the previous night. Instead of helping me get out of my path to premature alcoholism all you are doing is encouraging it. Shame on you urban outfitters for making me want to look cool in the most negative way possible, and seriously WHO THE FUCK CARRIES A FLASK AROUND! And don't get me started on the price and the waste of money it would be to get this.

ITEM #2

$12.92

Very cute urban, trying to make me spend those 13 dollars I could use on a very much needed new pair of underwear (from Walmart of course) and maybe, just maybe a cup of coffee on a funny ass book with an awesome cat on it. Well you're not getting the best of me because I don't even have a coffee table to put this shit on! But if money grew on trees, I would buy it regardless of the fact that I don't have that coffee table where everyone would see it.

ITEM #3

$14.00

Where do I even start with this? Similar to the antiques found in your grandmothers china cabinet, this beautiful blue unicorn has absolutely NOTHING to offer, except maybe a cool story about how you obtained it and showing off to your friends because your home decor is so "unique".

ITEM #4

$18.00

Similar to an art project my 3 year old sister would do at daycare, this playful baggie has absolutely nothing and everything to offer all at the same time. Made in a sweatshop somewhere in china for only 20 cents, you will be paying so much more than what it's worth! So if you want to go out and get everyones attention (most likely the wrong attention)and spend 90 times it's worth with money you don't have, go right ahead and buy this lovely goodie!

ITEM #5

$20.00

I am very well aware of the fact of how idiotic this looks, and how I will most likely never wear it, but the cuteness and "originality" is unbearable. On the other hand I could conjure up a slutty cat costume for this coming Halloween.

ITEM #5

$15.00

What adult on their right mind would wear this? We get it, a regular watch is too "Mainstream" for you, but this is just a little bit too much.

ITEM #7

(PERSONAL FAVORITE)

$20.00

If your inner "Too kool 4 skool" self has not gotten the best of you yet, well I got just the perfect thing for it, A JAR OF DIRT! Yes ladies and gentleman, instead of using those 20 dollars you could spend paying off this month's cellphone bill, go straight ahead and and buy this magnificent creation. A glass jar equipped with a Ziploc baggie full of dirt (YES,REAL DIRT!) and plastic figurines you could get for 25 cents at your local toy vending machine, This item is sure to NOT make your life any less miserable than it already is. So if your pretentious self wants show off it's creative side then this is just what you've been looking for.

Without trying to bash Urban Outfitters and more like trying to make you conscious of your selfless stupidity as you try to be cool with some ironic humor, think twice before you compulsively buy a $50.00 beanie or a useless (but cute) coffee table book in search of your true self. Regardless of their Overpriced crap and useless mustache paraphernalia, UO sales probably the coolest stuff around and I will continue shopping there (and yes you too) regardless of how useless but AWESOME their stuff is hence why I hate to love it so much.

If still interested on wasting your money in a responsible manner  here is their site. STAY COOL! 

http://www.urbanoutfitters.com/urban/index.jsp